About a Little Boy

When it comes to my son, Connor, I have to almost walk on eggshells. That's a tough thing to do when you're trying to remain a figure of authority/disciplinarian.

At present (and for the last little while) it seems as though my 5 year old is more or less addicted to his Grandpa, who he currently lives with. I have my own opinions as to why that may be, but I'm not going to turn this blog into accusations and finger pointings. Let's just say it's made things increasingly difficult when it's time for the kids to come down here every month.

Back to the walking on eggshells. I almost literally have to coax him into coming to see me with ideas and projects and fun stuff we're going to do. Because if Connor doesn't want to come see me, his Grandpa won't make him, and will cause a scene if I (technically his custodial parent) try to make him. It's had too, because when he's NOT here, and I call, more than likely he doesn't care about talking to me, and when he does, he's in robot mode. "Hi. Can we go to the Childrens' Museum. Where are you going to take me. I don't want to go to your house. Bye." Robot.

As it were, we just got done having the kids for the week. It was such an amazing time, and I think a lot of it had to do with the new house, and the space we have here. Salem was practically bouncing off of ALL the walls she could find all day, every day. They had so much space, their own HUGE room, a giant backyard where we had a BBQ with friends, and the men cooked and chased the kids around the yard. We have a park 2 blocks away that the kids loved walking to, flowers to plant, canvas' to paint, and they even helped me "paint" the house! (I was busy cooking, so I gave them bowls of water and paintbrushes, they went wild on the house and fence for an hour and a half.)

But I have to say. My favorite moment. It was the day we had to take them back to Salt Lake. Salem just finished her bath and was busy with her Barbies. I got Connor out of the bath and he wrapped up in his towel and sat in the warm square of sunlight coming in from the living room window. I sat behind him and played with his hair (something he NEVER let's me do) We sat in silence for a while, then he started talking about staying here, about not being ready to go back to Kim's. I was almost afraid to say anything and ruin whatever he was thinking about.

"Well," I started, "You are coming back next month, and when you start Kindergarten, you'll be here all the time"

"But I don't want to go to Kim's yet" He said, "I want to stay here for 100 more sleeps"

I looked over at Mark to make sure I wasn't imagining all of this. This had been the most that Connor has ever, EVER opened up to me, cuddled up against me, and just REALLY expressed true feelings and didn't auto-answer with his typical "I wanna go hommme!" It was like my son, MY son finally shone through the robot he'd become. I could feel how warm and loved and comfortable he felt. And I knew right then that he doesn't feel that way very often. I just wanted to cry, wrap him up in my arms and shower him with kisses and all the love in my heart that I have. So I did. (Not the crying part, though.)

Today, I called to talk to the kids. I know that I was hoping for something else, but I got Robot Connor on the phone."Hi. Can we go to the Childrens' Museum. Where are you going to take me. I don't want to go to your house. Bye."

Sadness. But next month I'm hoping for more love and warmth and for him to feel "HOME". It will happen, I'm confident. I just gotta keep trying, one foot in front of the other, never take a step back. It'll happen.

Happiness Is.

Waking up at 6 am to "Mommy, can we watch cartoons?"

Eggos and Orange Juice for breakfast.

A warm comfortable home with snow flurries outside the big living room window.

Teaching the kids how to plant flowers in their own little flower pots. Sunflowers for Connor, Sweet Peas for Salem.

Watching them count out little flower seeds while I sip on a hot cup of coffee.

Waving through the big window with the kids to say goodbye to Mark as he heads off to work.

Helping Connor play computer games on NickJr.com while explaining to Salem that a little baby Angel up in heaven needs to use her Binkie for a little while, because she doesn't have one of her own.

Listening to Salem's pride on being able to share her binkie with a little baby angel, and how that's ok, so long and the baby angel shares back with her, when it's her nap time.

Man, I sure feel complete when these little rugrats are around me.